Careful what you wish for

Back when my husband and I were contemplating uprooting our family from city to country, I was cognisant of the danger of losing the idyllic side of our farm, which was essentially our cottage at that time. Would moving in full-time transform our magical get-away? Would the realities of the daily grind steal the magic away? Would the feeling I get when I pull into the laneway, there at last, disappear? Would walking the grounds still bring me close to tears of gratitude on my morning strolls? Would I lose appreciation for the beauty that surrounds me there?

Four years have passed since the moving truck wound its way up my lane leaving me standing alone in wonder. My life here has been a roller coaster of emotion. Moments piled upon moments; a twisting path of discovery. At times I am gripped with an emotion I can’t identify. Looking around me, fully immersed in the “daily grind” of life in the country, it feels as though I’ve misplaced something. It’s a feeling I can’t quite define; like the nagging feeling of a forgotten chore, a memory not quite fully grasped. It’s elusive, and mildly stressful.

I’m not sure what this is, or what it means. It just “is.” Has the magic gone? I can’t say it has, but maybe it’s different now.

A glance out my window as I write this takes my eye to the pasture fence and the lolling stroll of our horse, Charlie. This grey day begs sadness from me, but I can’t fully muster it in the face of such beauty outside. Beyond the pasture, snow covers the west field and beyond that, the hedgerow of trees. Bare of leaves and standing tall and black against the back drop of white, they offer me a sense of protection. All of this observed with one look out of one window.

View from my window

It isn’t easy, though. I struggle every day with the kids: the bustle of activity, the work, the fighting, the tears, the insane laughter and the immense love that fills these walls consumes me. It’s cluttered with toys and books, projects and dishes, cats and dog constantly underfoot. The noise, the unending chaos speckled with moments of calm and quiet contentment…life. It is my life.

“There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you were meant to be.”

– John Lennon

Perhaps that grip of emotion I feel is my mind whispering to me and reminding me to acknowledge this great life. “Listen,” it whispers. “Look,” it urges me. “Don’t let this magic pass you by. Don’t wake up years from now and realize that this was the time of your life and you didn’t know it. This is the magic you’ve been searching for….”

It is my life.